Wednesday, 29 November 2017

My Life in Coconut Cakes (And Tesco Gluten Free Coconut Cake Review)

When I was a kid, I always looked forward to going to the local bakery with my mom and my nan. Sometimes I'd select a ginger bread man and really regret it. That's the thing that first taught me to go for substance over something that looks pretty. Other times I'd go for a fruit tart because I really loved that piece of kiwi on top. Most of the time, however, I'd get the coconut cake. It was my favourite.

I was worried when my local bakery turned into a Braggs, but they still sold coconut cakes, so it was okay. When Braggs got re-branded into a Greggs, the coconut cakes started to disappear. It seemed like you could only find them in working class neighbourhoods, and then after a few years, they were gone from all stores. Throughout the rest of my teens and twenties, every time I went into a Greggs, I always checked for that coconut cake. It was never there, but I still had hope.

During this period of coconut cake searching, when I was at college, I experienced my first heart break. My first boyfriend had been a jerk and we broke up. I hate to admit this now, but I was really angry and kinda sad.

Me and this now ex boyfriend had a mutual friend at the time. On my ex's request, this friend and I took a walk down to the river and in his own way, this friend tried to convince me that my ex wasn't that bad and I should consider getting back with him. My friend tried to convince me by telling me a little analogy...

He said my ex was like a lemon cheesecake. It's horrible and sour for the most part, but there is a good part deep down: the biscuit base. To elevate my ex even more, my friend then compared himself to coconut cake. "No one likes coconut cake", he told me. Without hesitation, I exclaimed, "Coconut cake is my favourite cake and I've been searching for it my whole life!! And I f*cking HATE cheesecake". There was no deeper meaning behind any of this at the time, those were my genuine feelings about cakes. Despite there being no intentional meaning behind it, at that point we very nearly kissed.

After the moment had passed, I asked him why he was trying to convince me to get back with my ex. It turned out that not only had my ex asked him to do it, but he had also failed to tell him the whole story. My ex had completely missed out the big reason why we broke up. After I explained what happened to my friend, he was like, "Oh f*ck him then, you're too good for him, let's not be friends with him anymore", and we spent a whole sunny afternoon drinking and laughing together on the grass by the river.

About ten years after that day, me and that coconut cake friend ended up getting married. <3

A few months after being married, we moved to Scotland. Upon arrival in the local supermarket, low and behold, there was coconut cake! The exact type of coconut cake I loved as a child! After all of these years! I was so so so happy. I ate it, loved the taste. All the memories of childhood came flooding back, and I felt like a life mission had been achieved. I had located the coconut cake that I loved.

Unfortunately, I recently found out that wheat was making me ill...... So no more treasured coconut cake........

UNTIL NOW! I found a gluten free coconut cake in Tesco!!!! The exact same kind as the one I loved as a child, with jam and a coconut topping. YES! YES! YES!

Now to eat this new Tesco Free From Raspberry & Coconut Loaf Cake! I'm so excited! Here we go:

Okay. Upon opening, this smells like ass. I'll give it a go anyway. Nope, this tastes like dirty ass. This is so gross. Blergh! It tastes like garbage water has been baked into it. I can't work out where it's coming from. Is it the cake? Is it the raspberry jam? I can't even taste the coconut. Urghhh, bleeerrrrgh. I feel sick. One time I forgot about a bag of potatoes at uni for a few months and instead of sprouting, they rotted and turned into brown goo and it f*cking STANK. This cake tastes like the smell of that. Wow. This is the worst thing I've ever eaten. And I once ate a chicken's beak.

5 thumbs down.

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